THE woman at the heart of the Pericoe tragedy in which a man killed himself and his three children, has sent a clear and precise message to those in power that the system of protection for woman who suffer from domestic violence is woefully inadequate.

Speaking at length to the Bega District News earlier this week, a remarkably resilient and composed Karen Bell told of her life with Gary Poxon and the way in which she feels she was let down by the system.

“If I can help one woman from being abused by speaking out, or one child from being hurt or killed, then I will feel as though something good has come from all this,” she said.

Ms Bell said that once there was a problem with domestic violence, whether it is physical or verbal, things didn’t change.

“It keeps happening and happening,” she said.

“You can be the strongest person; you can try to make it work and want to make it work but it just doesn’t.”

Ms Bell said that while there were times in her relationship when everything seemed good, the problems never really ended.

“It was good at times,” she said, her memories still close.

“You go through a rough patch and then it’s like a honeymoon period.

“It’s so good, it’s love and it can be good for a long time but then just one little tiny thing will happen and it starts all over again.”

Ms Bell can’t recall ever being aware of any “trigger points” that sent her husband into violent rages; there was never anything to remember, nothing to particularly watch for.

“It was never big things, it was always something little,” she said.

“Little, tiny, trivial things that would be nothing really.

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“And then it’s not even about that, it blows up into a massive big argument and you just can’t stop it.”

Ms Bell said she had tried quite a few different tactics to manage the problems, but nothing worked.

“I couldn’t talk to him about it in the good times,” she said quietly.

“I was too afraid that if I brought it up it would all start again.”

The most important thing to her, Ms Bell said, was that she was scared of the losing her family.

“You see a lot of single mums with children who don’t see their dads,” she said.

“Kids miss that, mums can only do so much and the kids miss learning things without their dads.

“They can’t fiddle around with motors in the shed or kick a footy or go fishing; they miss that bond with their father.

“Men are a bit tougher, but if they don’t see their mum then they miss the more emotional and gentle side.

Ms Bell said she stayed in the relationship because she didn’t want to stop that bond from happening, from either perspective.

“I wanted my kids to have both their parents together,” she said.

“And if it took suffering on my part then that would be okay, I could deal with that.

“I am a very strong person; I do adjust to things easily, so I could handle it most of the time for the kid’s sake.”

But, Ms Bell said, it was very hard on the children who would hide in their room when the violence started.

“They were hiding from him because he was very, very violent and even though they loved their dad they were very scared of him,” she said.

“The children didn’t really change around him, they were always very wary; I could see it in them.”

Sadness for her children was the overwhelming feeling for Ms Bell, but she said it made her stronger as well.

“I put up with it for my children so I could have the family thing,” she said softly.

“To make sure they were okay and as happy as they could be.”

But, surprisingly, Poxon wasn’t physically violent to the children

“He yelled at them a lot,” Ms Bell said.

“And instead of sitting down and explaining to them how they had done something wrong, he would just rant and rave and scream and yell.

“He was totally irrationally and the kids would shudder and cower and just say ‘Yes dad’.”

Ms Bell said that even though it surprised her at times, her children were very well adjusted.

“They were smart kids,” she said with a proud mother’s smile.

“They were fantastic, absolutely fantastic.”

Over the years, Ms Bell wondered if Jack would grow up to be like his father, but, she said, he didn’t have that side to his personality.

“Jack was very gentle, all the girls loved him,” she said.

“He always wanted to be with his mum and he told me once that he’d never hurt a woman.

“He’d noticed the hurt I had suffered and he understood perfectly well what was happening to me.

“That was the cruelest thing, it broke my heart.”

Ms Bell knew that seven-year-old Maddie adored her dad.

“She absolutely adored him and if he was away for even an hour she’d want him back.

“She knew something was wrong with me and her dad but she didn’t understand like Jack did.”

Poxon’s anger was mainly directed at Jack, Ms Bell said.

“Even if Maddie did something that displeased him, it was always ‘Jack’s fault’, he was the oldest and he was the boy.

“But they were all gentle kids and it’s good to know that some of their strength and their gentle nature came from me.”

Ms Bell said that when Poxon was yelling at the children, she’d protect them by placing herself in harm’s way.

“Then he’d turn on me physically, but as long as the kids were safe that was okay,” she said.

“Somehow I think that, at times, the children were trying to make it up to their dad by wanting to be with him.

“To try and make him see they loved him and that they weren’t all that bad.

“But they had that emotional damage that would stay with them forever.”

Ms Bell said after growing up in a gentle family, she’d never dealt with anything remotely like the violence and abuse she and the children suffered, and that it was heartbreaking.

“It started about two years after we were together,” she said.

“There were many times I wanted to go but it’s very hard for a woman to just take the children from a violent man.

“If a man is not going to let you take them, what do you do?” she asked rhetorically.

Ms Bell said she had needed help and that other women need help.

“Even if it’s the police ringing up DOCS, getting together and working out what the best place for the children is straight away, rather than saying we can’t do anything about that and just leave them there.”

Ms Bell said if she left the home and Poxon had the children with him, she had no right to go back and get them.

“Even if I could legally there would be no way I could get them because of the violence that would erupt,” she said.

“And if I could have taken the kids and run, he would have still found us.”

The solution Ms Bell came up with was to leave by herself.

“That calmed the situation and normally made it better,” she said.

“I’ve done it many times over the years.

“Then the kids would be safe, he’d calm down and then come here to mum and dad’s and we’d try again.”

But it didn’t work that way the last time.

Ms Bell is adamant there needs to be a change to the law so “if violence has happened, the children need to be taken or at the very least contact made with the family to sort something out.”

“There should be not only mandatory reporting by the police to DOCS but it should be mandatory that DOCS sit down with the family,” she said.

“They should do it immediately, immediately. Not just give out a phone number and say ring this if you need help.

“There are lots of things going on in your mind, like ‘what’s happening with my kids, what am I going to do’.

“You’re freaking out, you don’t have time to sit and ring all these numbers.”

Ms Bell said there needed to be someone who stepped in immediately and dealt with the situation, but that wasn’t the case currently.

“I have never received as much as a phone call from DOCS, never, not once,” she said.

“There are times when it is quite obvious something needs to be done.”

“For instance when the police were called last week and I had to run down to the neighbours, I could hear Gary yelling and screaming abuse at the police from where I was.

“Now I think that’s a time when someone could have thought: ‘hey, is this man capable of looking after these children’?”

Ms Bell said that if she could help even one woman by speaking out, or save even one child, then that “would be fantastic”.

“We need to put systems in place to stop this sort of thing before it gets to a tragedy like this,” she said.

Generally speaking, a woman will always go back, according to Ms Bell.

“The man says he’s so sorry and things will be better and we can work it out,” she said, speaking from experience.

“But it never changes; you can’t take back the things that have happened.

“You shouldn’t have to put up with things for the sake of the kids but you do. You don’t want to be another failed marriage statistic, so you always hope.”

Ms Bell, her hands clasped tightly, said her moods fluctuated wildly.

“I’m up and down all the time,” she said.

“It’s when I least expect it that the grief overcomes me.

“Having people around and not having to think is great, but when I’m by myself my brain goes crazy, absolutely crazy.

Ms Bell said that “ultimately this is nobody’s fault but Gary’s, but there still should be more of a connection between police, DOCS and families to be able to work together quickly so something else like this doesn’t happen.

Ms Bell said that even though she wanted to keep her family together and that she knows most women return to violent situations, she said she knows she shouldn’t have gone back.

“To all the women in that sort of situation, please, please don’t go back,” she said.

She also said she is ridden with guilt.

“I’ll blame myself forever,” she said, her voice quivering.

“I was their mother; I was supposed to protect them, now I can’t protect them at all.”